Gag With Me

My boss hauled me into his office and accused me of skiving the day before.He said "you called in sick and I know you played golf." I said "that's nonsense and I've got the fish to prove it."

I was reading an article the other day that was about a bloke who had his artificial legs stolen along with his car. He was gutted because now he wouldn't be able to walk his sister down the aisle.I wouldn't be too worried, everyone ends up legless at a wedding

I had a weird dream last night.I was on safari in Africa.I dreamt I was hand feeding a Hippo.I woke up with my hand between the wife's legs!

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?" "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

I was sitting in my car with my head in my hands this morning, when two young blokes approached me and asked if I was okay."Not really" I replied, "My car won't start and I'm going to be late for work.""Would you like us to push you?" they asked."That would be great" I said, "I'll let you know when we get there."

I was helping the behavioral scientist from next door, get his trailer on the drive."You're doing it all wrong," I said, "left is right and right is left."I hate reversing a psychologist.

I called over the air stewardess and said, "Sorry to trouble you, but I'm trying to relax and this young kid behind me keeps screaming and hitting me on the back.""I'm not surprised," she replied, "That's his seat and you're squashing him."