Gag With Me

Being a vet, I'm always looking for ways to brighten up the horrible task of putting down animals.Do you think the CD tray from a computer would make a good hamster guillotine?

The advertising on this site: "You are the 999,999th visitor: Congratulations you WON!"Is it me, or is it really ironic that people who are actually stupid enough to believe this are the sort of people we are on here to make jokes about?

I was chatting to this fit girl at work telling her about my fishing weekend.She said "Ooh sounds fun, how about I come round your place after work? You can get your rod out and show me your tackle" with a wink.I'm starting to panic, she'll be round in 10 minutes and I can't find my fishing rod anywhere!!

My mum always told me, "Never do something that you'll regret later in life."I always thought that it was great advice. So I got it tattooed on my forehead.

An old friend dropped by and we talked about the past while looking through our college yearbook. I pointed out the three girlfriends I banged. He beat me though when he listed his sixteen scores. I would have won but medical cadavers don't count.

Johnny was a lumberjack who'd just managed to land a high paying job out in the middle of nowhere. It was great pay, but it meant he was away from any female contact for 9 months at a time. So, after the first month, Johnny's starting to get restless, and goes to one of the veteran lumberjacks about the issue, who tells him all the regular guys use the "magic tree" around the back.Now Johnny doesn't quite like the idea of sticking his member in such a rough wooden thing, so decides to ask around the other guys about how it works. He gets reply after reply telling him that it'll hurt for one whole week but the rest of it's worth it. Johnny decides to take the plunge. He looks around the back and finds the tree, with its little hole in the trunk. Miraculously, it doesn't hurt at all! In fact, Johnny gets quite satisfied and comes back night after night for the next few weeks.Until one day when the magic from the tree is gone and he just can't get his

George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!"  George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"  Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful."  George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there,  a small building here and small building there, but there are signs  hanging in the middle of the street."  Osama asks, "And what do they say?"  George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking  care of her husband.  When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.  As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all  through the bad times.  "When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.  "You know what?"  "What, dear?" his wife asked gently.  "I think you bring me bad luck."

When we were first married my wife asked me how I liked my steak and I replied 'rare'.I think she misunderstood, that was eight years ago and she's only ever cooked steak twice since.

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."  "That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"  "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"

I boned my wife while she was asleep last night.You should have seen her face when she woke up this morning and found she'd been completely filleted.

People keep saying to me today. "Don't forget to move your clocks and watches forward tonight mate!"Well I've just done my watch and its stupid, it keeps sliding off my fingers.

I got into a heated argument with this guy at the pub last night and we decided to take things outside.We started with the tables and chairs.

My wife said, "You've been nothing but stupid for the past fortnight".I said, "I think you'll find it's only been for the last two weeks, actually".

I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious.Laughing at my ex-pence.

How many Passive Aggressive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?Oops.I can't believe I broke the last one. I guess you'll have to sit in the dark.

I just received a text from a friend, "I'm so nervous driving on these slippery roads."so the obvious way to increase his safety was by texting me.

The sailor came home from a secret two year  mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was  determinedto track down the father to extract revenge. "Was it my friend Sam", he demanded. "No !" his weeping wife replied. "Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked. "NO !!!" she said even more upset. "Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked. "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.  As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my  privates."The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"  The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? A: "Life is like a box of chocolates..." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

I was out walking around my village when a young girl rode past me on her bike."Nice night for a ride!", I said."Yes, it is", she responded.Your honour.

An Office World truck ploughed into my car me last week, killing my son in the back seat, giving me severe whiplash and leaving my motor totally written off. Now, to add insult to injury it looks like I'm going to be held responsible for the accident despite the fact he drove into the back of me.The woman I spoke to at my insurance company said that there's a clause in the smallprint on my policy that says that I'll be held liable for any crash with a stationery vehicle.

Took my dog to have him put down. The vet took one look at him and said,"You're a mongrel"Seriously, 85 quid. I could have insulted him better myself.

"I'm sorry Sir, but we can't allow you on the ice rink with those skates on your feet", said the manager. I personally think he was just a bit jealous ..They'd cost me a fortune from the fishmongers.

My company needed some computer software; at PC World, I was shown a program and told "This will do half your work for you." So I bought two copies.

On a narrow mountain's road a man saw a police car driving uphill backwards.- Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?- Because we are not sure that we will find the place to make u-turn on the top of the mountain.After one hour the same man saw the same police car driving downhill backwards again.- But guys, why are you driving backwards again?- We have found the place to make u-turn up there.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

How can you tell if an elephant has been sleeping in your bed?!The sheets are wrinkled and the bed smells of peanuts!How can you tell if a black man has been sleeping in your bed?!Your bedroom window is smashed and your valuables are missing,

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."  The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"  The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".  The Mexican man of course agrees.  The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."  The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

Express and Star:"The national jobless total jumped by 27,000 in three monthsHowever, in Kidderminster there were a slight fall of 3.8 percent..."Judging by that grammar its going to be 27,001 soon...

I was driving home from work when I saw a sign that said, 'Caution, Bikes on the road".Which made me think, since when did their bikes become more of a danger to me, than my car does to them?

So it's fine for some moron to bellow nonsensically from the roof of a mosque at 6 in the morning ...... but a couple of barely audible cries and moans from my attic and the police are called.

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.

My wife and I've just celebrated our Golden Wedding Anniversary.In all that time we've only ever had one argument. It started about 50 years ago.

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" she asked. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said. The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Lots of things we didn't know about our dad came out at the trial.He was clandestinely doing woodwork and abusing young girls in his shed.He had a secret vice no one knew about.

My girlfriend turned to me last night and said, "I don't think that our relationship will ever work unless you can change".Reluctantly I went upstairs, took off my tutu and put on a pair of jeans.

Had a real shock today, I was waiting at kings cross and as the train approached this guy jumped right in front of it killing himself, All day I couldnt stop thinking about it, I mean who let a women drive a train.

I worked as a mail-man in Kathmandu for 3 years. I've  never been the same since I came home I think I'm suffering from post Nepal depression

An old couple were in a restaurant and the old man placed order for one hamburger, chips and a drink.  He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the chips, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.  He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.  Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.  People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain andAbel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boysasked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ateus out of house and home."

Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and  then turn around and come home?  A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.

When the lumberjacks sawed down the tree, where did the Gorilla hiding in the uppermost branches land?Nearby - the Ape-lle doesn't fall far from the tree!

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to  safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses." "Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said  whorehouses!"

This dodgy looking guy started work in my office today. He demanded he occasionally work 40 hours sporadically across 7 days.He's a bit shifty.

Every time the wife tried to start a big arguement with me I said nothing, and just played music to her instead.I'm not saying it was the only reason we split up but it was definitely instrumental.

I said to my mate, "I'm going to get some steak for the dinner tonight."He said, "Butcher?"I said, in a lower voice, "I'm going to get some steak for the dinner tonight."

My girlfriend and I have been going through an A-Z of Greek Islands to decide where to go on our holidays.In desperation we eventually chose Zakynthos, It was the last resort.

My wife bought one of those blankets which has sleeves."This is great," she said. "Do you want one?"I replied, "No thanks," as I took off my dressing gown and put it on backwards.