Gag With Me

I've invented a new Jet that has the ability to travel on water without the need for Fuel.I just need to find out a way to build it, and the rest is plane sailing

Two goldfish are swimming around their bowl discussing some of life's important issues.One goldfish says to the other, "Do you believe in God?""Of course, I do!" his pal says. "Who do you think changes the water?"

A tornado walks into a bar and orders a  Hurricane. The bartender asks why he is ordering a Hurricane when he is a  tornado. The tornado responds with, "I am a hurricane induced  tornado".

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your  car?" asked the officer.  "I juggle them in my act."  "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.  A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live.  Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order.  "Oh yes, I've done that," said the old gentleman.  "I've only got to make a will. And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."

Yesterday I drugged some birds of prey and plucked them, I was just about to put the feathers in the back of my van when I was caught by the police and they arrested me for ill eagle down loading.

My wife loves to go on top.However, in light of certain recent events, I've told her it's probably best to travel to work inside the train from now on.

My boss hauled me into his office and accused me of skiving the day before.He said "you called in sick and I know you played golf." I said "that's nonsense and I've got the fish to prove it."

I was reading an article the other day that was about a bloke who had his artificial legs stolen along with his car. He was gutted because now he wouldn't be able to walk his sister down the aisle.I wouldn't be too worried, everyone ends up legless at a wedding

I had a weird dream last night.I was on safari in Africa.I dreamt I was hand feeding a Hippo.I woke up with my hand between the wife's legs!

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?" "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

I was sitting in my car with my head in my hands this morning, when two young blokes approached me and asked if I was okay."Not really" I replied, "My car won't start and I'm going to be late for work.""Would you like us to push you?" they asked."That would be great" I said, "I'll let you know when we get there."

I was helping the behavioral scientist from next door, get his trailer on the drive."You're doing it all wrong," I said, "left is right and right is left."I hate reversing a psychologist.

I called over the air stewardess and said, "Sorry to trouble you, but I'm trying to relax and this young kid behind me keeps screaming and hitting me on the back.""I'm not surprised," she replied, "That's his seat and you're squashing him."

A policeman randomly stopped me in the street last night.He said, "Before I search you sir, do you have anything on you that you shouldn't have?"I said, "Yes, I'm wearing my nans bra."

I was baking a cake and having trouble with the mixing."Put some welly into it", my girlfriend saidSo I did. Unfortunately they just made the cake rubbery.

A guy admired the hair of three girls. He walked by one and asked, "How'd you get such lovely blonde hair"  Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl  answered, "It's natural."  The guy walked by the second girl and asked, "How'd you get such pretty brown hair?"  Fluffing her hair, the second girl said, "It's natural."  Finally the guy approached the third girl and asked, "How'd you get such cool green hair?"  Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose, then skimming it through the hair, she said, "It's natural."

"Your son just called me an old cow!" said my neighbour."That's disgraceful," I said. "I keep telling him not to judge people by their appearance."

My wife came home and told me that she had booked us a holiday and it would involve getting on a plane in two weeks.She added, "I know how excited you can get but do try not to show me up."I didn't have time to be annoyed with her comment as I only had 13 sleeps and I needed to pack.

At the 'Sickipedia stand up comedy night' if too many people turn up are they going to put a sign outside the venue saying 'Database latency too high'?

Did you hear about the surgery performed in Prague? They succeeded in separating siamese twins joined at the hip.  And after 16 hours in surgery....the doctor handed each parent a separate Czech

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water". "Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified. "Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for  emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs". "And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the  little lady. "Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave  when the following took place. "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money."

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse."Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

As I opened the second bottle of brandy I started to think seriously about what I was doing to my liver.Then I realised I was frying it with onions.

I ran into my new boss this morning, "Are you looking forward to your first night working in my restaurant."He asked."I can't wait." I replied.He said, "Oh! It says you can on your CV."

A doctor tells his patient, "I bring two pieces of grave news, One is that you will be dead by tomorrow. The other is that I forgot to tell you yesterday".

A man was recently arrested after being caught by police "attempting to satisfy a cow with his bare hands". In court he blamed the incident on a history of mental disorders, before breaking down in tears.I think he was just milking it.

The wife and I have just had a baby, I heard her talking to her friend today in the Lounge.She said,"Last night, he got up at 12am as he wanted some food and then he was up again at 2am because he had wet himself. Next thing you know at 4am he is up crying his eyes out! I must have got 30 minutes sleep and through all that, the baby didn't get up once."

I went for an interview today for a job as a fortune teller, thinking i'd be able to wing it.it was all going fine until they asked me where i saw myself in 5 years.

My daughter confessed that she had recently been sneaking out of the house at night to meet up with her friends."It's just so easy to sneak out," she said jokingly, "you need to at least make it a challenge.""Alright," I said, playing along, "but only cause it's you."Then I hack-sawed her legs off.

A little demon came home from school one day and said to his mother, 'I hate my sister's  guts.''All right,' said his mother, 'I won't put them in your sandwiches again.'

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ? A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !

Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

omegle.You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!You: Knock KnockStranger: Who's there???You: DISCOStranger: Disco who? lolYou: Disconnect.You have disconnected.

I was called to identify my late Greek Grandfather recently. He had drowned in a large bowl of sauce whilst eating some Pita bread.It was very distressing for me; I have never seen a posthumous body before.

Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

My Dad had just come back from America, I met him at the airport and he said, "I picked you this up from the plane, its one of them iPads"I was amazed and so happy, until he handed me a bag and said, "you know they go over your eyes and help you sleep"

It's a shame Manchester United aren't sponsored by Sharp anymore.Seeing Wayne Rooney running around with it on his chest would be the epitome of irony.

'Gillette M3 Power Razor'....'For best results, use with Gillette M3 Power blades and Gillete Mach3 Turbo Gel'...So you've tested the Gillette razor with the Wilkinson range of accessories, have you?....just in case.

They've just opened up a Polish shop in town, now I'm no business expert but restricting yourself to selling just Mr. Sheen & Pledge is asking for trouble.

I saw my mate floating about 8 feet off the ground earlier,  he didn't seem the slightest bit bothered,obviously didn't understand the gravity of the situation..

I don't think this whole White House scandal is good for parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie, and he said we could discuss it tonight in a "National Town Meeting."

Last night Cheryl Cole told an X-Factor contestant they were "right up her street."  Bet the bloke who she said it to was thinking he'd rather be right up her alley.

OAP'S in an NHS ward in Cardiff were given tambourines and maracas to use as panic alarms .It's believed hospital bosses could now face serious re-percussion

I was paying for some beers, and the attractive cashier asked me to double-bag it.After a somewhat unfortunate misunderstanding, I was released on bail.

A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant: - I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening. The sergeant examines the mug and says: - You are right. And besides this, it has no bottom.